[insert your own mental picture of diarrhoea]
If you stalk me on Twitter, you will know that I am currently sick. Today is the 3rd day I have had diarrhoea accompanied with tummy ache. It is NOT nice. My toilet (yes, the same toilet in that vlog) has never had so much action!
Here are 11 things I learnt about having diarrhoea :-
1. It confirmed my suspicions that my iPhone is indeed my BFF.
Whilst sitting on the porcelain throne, my iPhone provided great entertainment to distract myself from the pain and smell (oh the smell!). I Facebook stalked, tweeted, read some blogs, played some games, Whatsapp’ed, read e-mails, watched Youtube videos… Steve Jobs, I know you’re dead ‘n’ all, but I salute you!
2. Everyone will ask you, “What did you eat?“
Like that really helps?!! ”Oh wait, let me just get into my Time Machine so I can rewind time and not eat the Poisonous Food!“
3. The nicest softest toilet paper turns into sandpaper after 4 rounds of diarrhoea.
Bear in mind, I had about 30 rounds of it on Day 1!!! And well, I have lost count now. Wait! Is there an app for this? Maybe I should develop this and call it “The Diarrhoea Log” App. Pun very much intended!
5. It hurts.
What hurts? Anatomically speaking, my anal sphincter.
6. ”A$$ hole” is funnier than “anal sphincter”.
For some bizarre reason,
anal people got rather uncomfortable when I used the words “anal sphincter”. But when I said my “a$$ hole hurts”, there were fits of giggles.
7. The “I need to fart” urge can have an identity crisis.
You think you’re going to fart, but instead… I’ll leave the rest into your imagination. Sorry if you’re about to eat dinner. Actually, no, I am not sorry! I haven’t had dinner for the last few days and I am ravenously hungry!
8. I’m impressed with my bodily functions.
So I think I’m peeing and then suddenly, it turns into diarrhoea. Oh wait! It’s both at the same time. Wow, great multi-tasking, right there!
9. Instead of losing weight, I have gained weight!
At first, I was secretly glad to have diarrhoea, “Yay, the lazy girl’s guide to losing weight! I’ll be a skinny mini in no time!” It’s Day 3 and I have barely ate anything but I am bloating all over.
10. People are not that impressed with over-sharing of the diarrhoea kind.
What? You want to know if I’m pregnant? Which means you want to know about my sex life…which involves a lot of body contact and fluid exchange… and secretions of the sexual kind… But if I mention other types of body excretions, it’s like, “Eww!
STFU TMI Ling! Too. Much. Info.“
11. Chopsticks are better than knife, fork and spoon anyday!
I learnt that chopsticks is the best thing to use to fish out toilet roll which has dropped into the toilet! Oh yeahhhh!!!
If you managed to read all the way, congratulations. For all those who didn’t make it, I hope they get the diarrhoea bug! Muhahahahaha!