#30daysofsharing | Day 5 : Our Secret Heartache

By Ling

WARNING : Do NOT read this if you dislike people who rant.  Do NOT read this if you are going to judge me afterwards and think I am a rude cow.  Do NOT read this if you are under 18.  Do NOT read this if you don’t like expletives but I have censored them out.  Do NOT read this and then send me a rude comment afterwards because it is rude and “I will find you and I will kill you” – it’s a Liam Neeson quote from Taken.   DO NOT read this if you are going to try and talk to me afterwards about this because I DEFINITELY DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TO YOU OR ANYONE except my Husband, if I have to…this also applies to any real-life friends; you know I don’t like talking about sensitive issues.   But you can write to me if you want.  And if that hasn’t put you off, you may now read…

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#30daysofsharing – There was the awkward-ish re-intro, a so-so second day, a bellyful of laughs on the third, some not-so-practical advice yesterday and then there is today.  Today is a bad day in Ling World.  I blame it on female hormones and the fact that I could not sleep till 4.30am last night.

Funnily enough, on the same day this time last year, I was going through an emo time as well { 5th September 2011 } – I swear I did not plan this! – when we went for Genetic Counselling because we found out we were both alpha thalassaemia carriers.

But yeah…there’s no easy way to share this…and he said it was okay to share this because he knows blogging is my therapy.  It just gets me angry when I think of the times I shared stuff and I got mean comments { like this } – ugh!!!!

This may or may not come as a shock to people who know me very well because I have been subliminally hinting at troubles on my different social networks { I even blogged about it :P }.  It’s so blatantly obvious when I am secretly unhappy because I go on spending sprees, I stuff myself with junk food and I deliberately try and be funny and act real cool, when I’m just really really sad inside.

You see, this year, we found out we were going to be parents…  WERE.  Past tense.  It just wasn’t meant to be.  Without going into detail as we would still like to keep things private and maybe one day, I will open up more…

It’s not that recent like last month.  But it’s still raw.  And I get really really really angry when people around me are REALLY stupid and ask stupid questions regarding pregnancy.

1.  Some ask me if I am pregnant.  I want to say, “F*** YOU!  Are you trying to say I am fat?” but instead, I fake smile, joke about my weight gain (yes I gained weight but I need to eat to relieve stress so what you gonna do about it?) and then go home and cry all night because it’s not as if I DON’T want to be pregnant, but it’s just that it wasn’t meant to be.

2.  Some ask “When are you going to have kids?”  I want to say, “How the F*** should I know?”  Am I God?  Do I get to decide?  Because if so, life would be much easier!

3.  Some ask “Are you trying?”  What kind of F***ing question is that?  I’ll translate it to “Are you having unprotected sex with your Husband during your ovulation period?”  Geez, private question much?  I wish I could turn the sexual inquisition around and ask them questions about their sex life (or lack of!).

4.  Some don’t ask, but come up and rub my tummy which I HATE!  WTF????????!!!!!!

Funnily enough, yeah, it’s kinda funny – but nobody asked me the pregnancy questions during the time I was pregnant!  Hah!  What about that?!  I wonder if I would have told the truth or did a sneaky lie…

So yeah…I’m pretty much of a very angry person today.  I’m not angry or jealous at my friends or family who have recently given birth!  (Must write that in case they get the wrong idea!!!)

I’m angry mainly at those people who I don’t actually really know that well in real life – and them asking me makes me NOT to want to get to know them more….if that makes sense.  I don’t think I would be so angry if I was back home amongst my own family and friends.  I think that is probably why I am finding it hard to form good friendships in Melbourne – I just get pissed off with them!  Probably not their fault, because they don’t know what is going on with me and they don’t know me so they ask an innocent (??!!) question and it drives me MAD!

I have been trying to be positive and I am trying to keep the weight down (I have joined the gym AGAIN!) and I have also been making active attempts at forming new friendships with people I want to be friends with (i.e. people I talk to on Twitter – hey, don’t laugh!  It’s the modern way to make friends!).  But on the days that I feel good and think that I LOOK good, I get one of those EFFIN questions and everything turns to crap again.

Guess what will ANNOY me next?

When people read this and say to us, “It will work out fine next time!”  How the F*** do you know?  Are you God?  Maybe there won’t be a next time.  I know a few childless couples because they couldn’t conceive some way or another.  People must have started off saying, “It will happen one day” or “You will be parents one day” or “Don’t worry!” and then when the years passed, they must have stopped trying to be reassuring or saying stuff like that because you just NEVER know.

*big sigh*

Please show your support to my blog and hit the subscribe button.  Blogging is my therapy and since you are reading, you are basically my therapists!  And what do therapists do?  They just sit there and encourage their client to talk and open up and share their innermost thoughts.  I’m not a talker but I just need you to read my words and not judge me :)

I also need to add this bit in because I know some of you reading this know me in real life or see me around Melbourne.  My Scottish friends already know never to mention anything emo they read on my blog to my face.  It’s okay.  I don’t need to talk about it.  Just act cool and act normal.  I’m still me.  Always up for laughs.  And food.  Just avoid those annoying questions and we can still be friends  :P

And for the extra nosey concerned friends who want to know when, what, how, why – please don’t.  Will need you to respect privacy and just pray for us.

Thanks in advance for any supportive messages and prayers and well-wishes.  I’m just having one of those damn days!

Off to de-puff swollen eyes from crying all night and crying this morning.  Female hormones, you have defeated me this time!!!  *shakes fist*

Will re-read the Penis post because it makes me laugh.  Yeah, let’s change to a happier mood and re-read the Penis post or read about the powerful external vibrator post or the diarrhoea post or watch me dye my hair.

See you tomorrow!

(Note to my Haters :  Please please please please don’t send me a mean message.  I really can’t handle mean messages at the moment.  Maybe try again next week and I will be ready to take you on again!)

1Pingbacks & Trackbacks on #30daysofsharing | Day 5 : Our Secret Heartache

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    December 24, 2012 at 1:17 pm (1 year ago)

    [...] scared and excited when we found out we were pregnant in early 2012, but sadly not long afterwards, we lost the baby.  I was distraught and you may remember, I went on one of my blog breaks.  Anyway, we were [...]