This post is dedicated to my new relationship. To my boyfriend, Mr Dorky…
Remember my post about farters?
Basically, when someone farts and they don’t want to admit to this, they either say :-
1. “Can you smell that?” – before everyone else does
2. “I can’t smell anything!”- when everyone else does
But what happens when you start a relationship?
- For guys, all disgusting farting habits are ceased. Guys are no longer loud and proud about their loud and smelly farts. This is because they want to make the girl like them. Once the girl falls in love, they can no longer escape from the guy’s farting machine abilities.
- For girls, what do you mean? Girls’ farts smell like roses! LOL
I have some limited advice for all you dating farters out there. Before you let out wind, usually, you can sort of tell which type of fart is going to emit from your orifice. If it is a :-
1. Silent and harmless fart
Do it! No-one but you will know.
If you see your other half harbouring a secret half-smile but they won’t tell you why, they have done one of these farts!
2. Loud and harmless fart
Before you let it out, turn up the volume of the radio or TV or cough loudly or say, “HEY, WHAT’S THAT?” – anything just to distract their attention and if you time it nicely, congratulate yourself.
If you see your other half acting oddly and harbouring a secret smile, they have done one of these farts!
3. Loud and deadly
There’s not much you can do here except run out the room and let it out. Both of you will hear this and probably laugh about it. It’s almost funny.
You will be loud and proud of the loudness and the smelliness of this fart.
Whereas your other half will laugh about the noise, but they will also be holding their breath so they’ll have some weird choking laugh.
The noise warns them a nasty smell is on the way so at least, they’re semi-prepared.
4. Silent and deadly fart
This is the deadliest fart of them all.
You think it’s going to be silent and harmless so you relax and let it go. You WILL smell it first and boy, it’s a STINKER! You must quickly act on this.
Either confess or feign ignorance.
If you confess before the smell hits your other half, at least, they will appreciate your warning and hold their breath.
If you feign ignorance, make sure it’s when there are other people in the room (e.g. in the cinema, in a lift full of people), so it could have been from anyone.
- Make sure you are NOT the first one to smell it, because that’s a giveaway – “whoever smelt it, dealt it”
- But again, don’t deny the fact there is a bad smell in the air when everyone else can smell it because the finger points to you.
The biggest problem is if you feign ignorance and there are only two of you in the room. You cannot talk yourself out of that one! Hang your head in shame!
I’m going to confess and give you two true stories here.
On first or second non-serious date
So on this date, there were only two of us in an enclosed area. I had a semi-sore tummy and let one rip. The guy, who liked me loads, made a twitch when the smell wafted over. I was embarrassed but refused to let my face betray me. “What’s wrong?”, I said. Pause. “Oh, er, nothing…” he replied. What a gentleman! And for the rest of our relationship, this incident was never brought up so either a) the fart wasn’t that deadly or b) he was too traumatised to talk about it ever again.
After a few dates, when both are in love with each other
So on this date, there was two of us and we were just chilling out and enjoying each other’s company. One of those dates where both are comfortable with silence and there is no need for conversation. Again, I had a semi-sore tummy and had to let one go. I thought it would have been harmless, but oh dear, it was deadly. I quickly went over to the boyfriend and tried to distract him by kissing him. He was surprisingly delighted with my forward approach…until 2.5 seconds later, when his nasal cavity was filled with my deadly emission…and then he started laughing at me. Because he just knew! It was suspicious when I started kissing him first, but then it was apparent why when he smelt the fart. We both laughed about it.
The first fart in a relationship is always going to be awkward. But once you’ve both laughed about it, it becomes easier and you’ve seen or smelt another side of your other half.
My married friends admit they have farting competitions in bed to see who can do the loudest and smelliest ones – that is just SICK!
Any farting stories to share? Come on, don’t be shy!