First Fart In A Relationship

By Ling

This post is dedicated to my new relationship.  To my boyfriend, Mr Dorky…

Remember my post about farters?

Basically, when someone farts and they don’t want to admit to this, they either say :-

1.  “Can you smell that?” – before everyone else does
or
2.  “I can’t smell anything!”- when everyone else does

But what happens when you start a relationship?

-  For guys, all disgusting farting habits are ceased.  Guys are no longer loud and proud about their loud and smelly farts.  This is because they want to make the girl like them.  Once the girl falls in love, they can no longer escape from the guy’s farting machine abilities.

-  For girls, what do you mean?  Girls’ farts smell like roses!  LOL

I have some limited advice for all you dating farters out there.  Before you let out wind, usually, you can sort of tell which type of fart is going to emit from your orifice.  If it is a :-

1.  Silent and harmless fart

Do it!  No-one but you will know.
If you see your other half harbouring a secret half-smile but they won’t tell  you why, they have done one of these farts!

2.  Loud and harmless fart

Before you let it out, turn up the volume of the radio  or TV or cough loudly or say, “HEY, WHAT’S THAT?” – anything just to distract their attention and if you time it nicely, congratulate yourself.
If you see your other half acting oddly and harbouring a secret smile, they have done one of these farts!

3.  Loud and deadly

There’s not much you can do here except run out the room and let it out.  Both of you will hear this and probably laugh about it. It’s almost funny.
You will be loud and proud of the loudness and the smelliness of this fart.
Whereas your other half will laugh about the noise, but they will also be holding their breath so they’ll have some weird choking laugh.
The noise warns them a nasty smell is on the way so at least, they’re semi-prepared.

4.  Silent and deadly fart

This is the deadliest fart of them all.
You think it’s going to be silent and harmless so you relax and let it go.  You WILL smell it first and boy, it’s a STINKER!  You must quickly act on this.
Either confess or feign ignorance.

If you confess before the smell hits your other half, at least, they will appreciate your warning and hold their breath.

If you feign ignorance, make sure it’s when there are other people in the room (e.g. in the cinema, in a lift full of people), so it could have been from anyone.

  • Make sure you are NOT the first one to smell it, because that’s a giveaway – “whoever smelt it, dealt it”
  • But again, don’t deny the fact there is a bad smell in the air when everyone else can smell it because the finger points to you.

The biggest problem is if you feign ignorance and there are only two of you in the room.  You cannot talk yourself out of that one!  Hang your head in shame!

I’m going to confess and give you two true stories here.

On first or second non-serious date
So on this date, there were only two of us in an enclosed area.  I had a semi-sore tummy and let one rip.  The guy, who liked me loads, made a twitch when the smell wafted over.  I was embarrassed but refused to let my face betray me.  “What’s wrong?”, I said.  Pause.  “Oh, er, nothing…” he replied.  What a gentleman!  And for the rest of our relationship, this incident was never brought up so either a) the fart wasn’t that deadly or b) he was too traumatised to talk about it ever again.

After a few dates, when both are in love with each other
So on this date, there was two of us and we were just chilling out and enjoying each other’s company.  One of those dates where both are comfortable with silence and there is no need for conversation.  Again, I had a semi-sore tummy and had to let one go.  I thought it would have been harmless, but oh dear, it was deadly.  I quickly went over to the boyfriend and tried to distract him by kissing him.  He was surprisingly delighted with my forward approach…until 2.5 seconds later, when his nasal cavity was filled with my deadly emission…and then he started laughing at me.  Because he just knew!  It was suspicious when I started kissing him first, but then it was apparent why when he smelt the fart.  We both laughed about it.

The first fart in a relationship is always going to be awkward.  But once you’ve both laughed about it, it becomes easier and you’ve seen or smelt another side of your other half.

My married friends admit they have farting competitions in bed to see who can do the loudest and smelliest ones – that is just SICK!

Any farting stories to share?  Come on, don’t be shy!

23 Comments on First Fart In A Relationship

  1. fart queen
    August 12, 2012 at 1:17 am (2 years ago)

    I killed her cousin. that was a pretty bad one. He was dead a minute after smelling the fart. She wore a gas mask through and lived. But it was still funny.

    [Reply]

    fart queen Reply:

    @fart queen,kidding of course.

    [Reply]

  2. fart queen
    July 20, 2012 at 7:57 am (2 years ago)

    You’ve got a deal

    [Reply]

  3. Dakota the fartress
    July 20, 2012 at 7:56 am (2 years ago)

    While mines aren’t quite as bad as Fart queen claims hers are, They do make my cousin Ryan pass out for a few minutes. Every time he dont let me do what I want I just fart and then do it anyway.

    Hey fart queen meet me at the park in one hour.I want to see your farts in action. Even if it’s my last breath.

    [Reply]

  4. fart queen
    June 2, 2012 at 10:05 pm (2 years ago)

    Plus it is all true. Now though it’s up to 7. Mines just smell so bad that they die. It’s too funny. I only need to fart 5 time in a row. They die in seconds. Mines are way more lethal than the ones in that song.

    [Reply]

    Ling Reply:

    @fart queen, Thanks for sharing

    [Reply]

  5. fart queen
    January 26, 2012 at 11:41 am (2 years ago)

    I love to fart. I have killed 5 of my boyfriends just by farting. I think they are so bad because of all the beans and eggs that I eat. Plus, I alway drink alot of milk even through I am lactose intorent. Noone can even report me to the police because no witnesses ever survive. It’s true.

    [Reply]

    Ling Reply:

    @fart queen, LOL!!! That’s a cracking comment!!!

    [Reply]

  6. john
    March 28, 2011 at 2:37 pm (3 years ago)

    what a gentlemen? You almost killed the guy!!! I tell you, Chinese farts are the absolute worst!

    [Reply]

    Ling Tung Reply:

    @john, Haha, are you Chinese?

    [Reply]

  7. katie wallis
    October 10, 2010 at 8:47 am (4 years ago)

    WE WINGPUI

    [Reply]

  8. bianca
    October 2, 2010 at 7:56 pm (4 years ago)

    well once i spent a romantic day with my current boyfriend at cedar point ohio..by the end of the day i was tired. So quite naturally i fell asleep in the car on the way back…all i remember is the music being real loud and me having a stomach full of lethel gas….when i woke up the music was off and all the windows were rolled down! And my stomach felt much better!

    [Reply]

    Ling Tung Reply:

    @Bianca – Better out than in! =)

    [Reply]

  9. Hayden
    June 25, 2010 at 4:20 am (4 years ago)

    This made me laugh! (:
    good work on this blog, it’s hillarious and so true!
    I have a quick story :)
    Okay so my boyfriend and I were cuddling very closely and intamently (didn’t spell that right!) on his couch watching a movie. I was sitting on his lap, and I had to let one go. I clenched my cheeks together to stop it, and in the process I ripped the loudest smelliest fart ever. I was so embarassed!! He looked at me and went “Uh, maybe you should sit over there” I was so humiliated!!

    [Reply]

    Ling Tung Reply:

    LOL! I wonder why it is more embarrassing to fart when you are a girl than it is for a guy…cos guys just laugh it off whereas girls just go red with humiliation…

    [Reply]

  10. Inessa
    March 23, 2010 at 2:46 am (4 years ago)

    I didn’t expect to laugh SO much while reading this! hahaha thanks for that! :D

    [Reply]

    Ling Tung Reply:

    thank you for your comment!!

    [Reply]

  11. Mr Dorky
    February 25, 2010 at 12:11 am (4 years ago)

    I hope to share the rest of my farts with you forever…..till the smell of death do us part.

    [Reply]

  12. Ling Tung
    February 24, 2010 at 9:49 pm (4 years ago)

    At least he laughed and didn’t run away! :)
    Today, I did silent and deadly farts during a dance class HAHAHA

    [Reply]

    Dannnyyy Reply:

    OMG hahahha. this is funny c: what foods make u fart like that anyway? lmao xD

    [Reply]

    DEE Reply:

    @Ling Tung, haha very funny what makes u fart/gassy anyway?

    [Reply]

  13. Melody
    February 24, 2010 at 6:48 pm (4 years ago)

    LOL. This is incredibly funny! because um yes, I do have a MAJORLY embarrassing story!!!

    So I was at my locker with my boyfriend ..and my stomach had been hurting for quite awhile now…so I stood up (bottom locker!) and uhm, yes …it was loud but not deadly! (LUCKILY NO ONE ELSE WAS IN THE LOCKER BAY!!) It was silent for a second before he looked at me and erupted into laughter!! This was sometime last year ..and he still teases me about it ! :I But it’s okay ..if I ever catch him ..he’ll never live it down!! :D

    [Reply]

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