If you thought relationships were all honey and bees, then you’re wrong. One day, the honey dries up because the bee has died and this will trigger a fight. The first fight with your other half may be unpleasant and highly stressful, but it is essential to the development of a relationship. It is vital to be prepared for this transition from the first phase of a relationship aka the Honeymoon Stage to the next phase aka the Post-Honeymoon Stage, i.e. after the first fight.
I, Ling Tung, your self-proclaimed Love Guru, will now share…
Last night Mr Dorky and I had our first fight. Here is what happened :-
We were in my room and he was sitting on my bed fixing my phone and I was tidying up. And then I saw IT!
Me : Argh!!! Argh!!! There’s a spider next to my bed!!! Mr Dorky, KILL IT…PLEEEEEEEASE!!! (I hand him tissue.)
I have raging arachnaphobia!
Mr Dorky looked at it and did a half-hearted backhand manoeuvre with the tissue…
Me : Can you PLEASE make sure you kill it, thanks!
I am usually a vacuum-sucking-spider-killer or a shoe-stamp-spider-killer, but I refuse to be a 2-ply-tissue-spider-killer with my fingers. I was secretly thinking “”How can he kill it from that angle?”…
And I KNEW IT! The look on his face gave it away…the spider had got away!!!
I went into hyperventilating Darth Vader mode. I didn’t know who I wanted to kill more – the eight-legged freak or Mr Dorky for being so careless.
He frantically searched high and low for this spider. It was a big spider with long spindly legs.
I’m sure my eyes were popping out of my head. I had a face like thunder (and I would be frowning but I had recently been Botox-ed.)
“HOW COULD YOU…??”I stopped myself from yelling at him, but inside my head, I was full of words…
“OMG! How could YOU do this to me? Why did YOU not position yourself better? How could YOU let it go? Why did YOU not try harder? OMG!! The spider is loose and it’s going to come back and haunt me tonight!!! It’s going to commit suicide down my throat!!! ARGH!!!! OMG!! We’re having a fight!! OMG!! This is our FIRST fight!!! Okay, okay…calm down. Stop breathing like that dude from Star Wars! Okay, so let me think. There’s a eight-legged freak which could be poisonous lurking around my bed…but then, we’re having a fight. What does that mean? Say something. No don’t! Give him the silent treatment. That’s gotta hurt! Oh yes, silent treatment… Tell him to leave and then sulk and then don’t answer his phone calls. Yes, I COULD do that…EXCEPT we did say that we would never go to sleep angry with each other. Okaaaay…forgive him, but don’t forget! No, that’s no good…we’re getting married in 7 weeks. Think. Think.”
So I stood pinned to the wall, in fear of spider attack, but also debating what I should do about our first fight.
Meanwhile, Mr Dorky had moved out my table, went under the bed, lifted up the covers; desperately seeking spider and thinking, “She’s going to go MENTAL!” (yes, he did think that…he told me afterwards)
After 10 minutes with no success, he turned to me and said, “I can’t find it…”
I didn’t answer him, but I said “Duh! Obviously, I can see that!” in my head.
2 minutes later, he said, “So-wee!”
Another 5 minutes of searching later, he said, “You can sleep at my place tonight…??”
I gave him the “STOP-TALKING-NOW!” look and he stopped talking.
“I’m sorry. I love you!” and gave me a big hug.
“I’m just really upset because I am really scared. It’s because I know that there is a spider loose in my room scares me. And it was nesting near my bed…which means it may return and attack me tonight.”
Anyway, the fight was resolved by the end of the night.
What did we learn from this first fight in our relationship :-
1. Anything big or small may trigger a fight but what is important is how both parties deal with the conflict to resolve the situation.
2. Mr Dorky acknowledged his mistake and tried to resolve it by looking for the spider. He could have lied and pretended that the tissue contained the spider corpse or he could have not bothered looking for it at all.
3. Yelling at your other half does not achieve anything. I was correct to hold my tongue and not say any harsh words which may have everlasting detrimental effects on the relationship. For example, if I had said to Mr Dorky, ”you STUPID IDIOT“, it makes him feel useless and eventually, one day, he may think, “Oh well, she thinks I AM a stupid idiot anyway, so why should I even bother trying!”
4. I was wrong to think of hurtful things to punish him, e.g. silent treatment. But I was sensible to think about it before acting upon it. During heated moments, always take time to rationalise things in your head before acting foolishly. Remember, love is not hurtful.
5. Mr Dorky could not find the spider so he suggested sleeping at his place. It was good of him to offer an alternative solution.
6. Mr Dorky did apologise in the end, but please remember, guys and girls, “So-wee” in a cutesy baby voice is not an apology! Reverting into child-like behaviour during a fight is not appropriate if you are a fully grown adult!
7. Compare what I had said to Mr Dorky in my head to what I said to him in real life after I had thought about it. Originally, I was accusing him “YOU” this and “YOU” that. But this would make the other person feel defensive and it may trigger their anger too. Instead, I calmly explained why this upset me with “I” this and “I” that. This will make the other person empathise and see things from your point of view without feeling defensive.
8. Our fight was forgiven and forgotten by the end of the night. Going to sleep with anger in your heart is not healthy for any relationship.
At the end of the day, if your relationship is full of fights and conflict at all times, then maybe you are in the wrong relationship. Both parties need to deal with a fight appropriately and not point fingers and say or do anything hurtful.
We survived the first fight in a relationship and I lived to tell the tale (i.e. I did not choke on a suicidal spider last night!) Yahoo!!!