I’ve been depressed lately. Yeah, what’s new? Anything big or small can easily make me cry. I’m depressed about a lot of things so I am going to list the reasons one by one.
But before I do, there is no need to panic, I am not going to kill myself or leave my Husband or do anything crazy. Blogging about it is therapy for me. Please don’t judge me either. And please please please, if you know me in real life, do not talk to me about it. It makes it awkward. I don’t like talking about my feelings but if you want me to write about it and let the whole world know via internet, I am totally cool with that. Talk about it? Please! Let’s never go there. (Yes, old faithful readers know never to talk about my blog to my face, but new readers don’t know that about me. And yes, I am weird like that.)
Now that is all out of the way, I can carry on with my this post. Here are the reasons why I am a ticking waterbomb :-
1. I am homesick and miss my crazy dysfunctional family.
It was one of my brother’s birthday recently (a few days after my Mum’s) and it just made me sad. My younger siblings are growing up and I am not around to witness that. People may think Skype is the answer to all homesickness but it’s not. I hate Skyping. It makes me feel like I am missing out on more. Instead, I prefer not being in contact with them so I forget and not think about them too much.
2. I miss my friends. All of them.
People think it’s easy to make friends here. Most of them are the Husband’s friends and I often hear them talk about their memories and the fun they had this time and that time. No, I am not jealous and wish that I was there too. I think about my memories and history with my friends. Sure, we can create new memories in Melbourne together but it’s not the same. The new friendships I have been making are totally different to the ones at home. I have been making lots of new girlfriends and hardly any guy friends. Some girls scare me, some girls don’t. It’s weird.
3. I am fat!
Okay, before anyone says anything, I would like to state that I have gone up two dress sizes! I may still look small, but I don’t feel it. I can’t zip up my favourite jeans, I can’t wear my dresses, etc. People don’t understand. To me, I AM FAT! To others, I am not and they think I am moaning about nothing. But they just don’t understand. I don’t mean that I am obese. You don’t have to be size 30 to be fat!!!!!!!! I can be a size 10/12 and be fat. And no, I don’t think I look better being this size. Yes, it is my fault for over-eating – but please remember, I am depressed so I will binge!!!
The Husband came home the other day and found me hiding in one of the bedrooms in the dark in the corner eating chocolate cake and ice-cream. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food. ARGH!!! And I hate me even more for lack of willpower.
But I am going to join the gym soon. Which leads me to the next reason why I am depressed…
4. We are skint.
So one of the reasons why I haven’t joined the gym sooner is lack of money. We just don’t have money for such luxuries – but since I am turning FAT, I have decided to spend money we don’t really have.
As you may already know, the Husband had a career change and is now an apprentice. An apprentice earns peanuts. End of.
As for me, yes, people always say dentists earn lots of money and it’s easy for dentists to get a job. NO IT IS NOT TRUE!!! I have had job offers but nothing suits – people may think that I am being picky and in some ways, it is true – but why should I compromise my work ethics or sign a contract unwillingly. I do have a Friday part-time job but it pays peanuts because I work in the community centre.
And well, I hate having to watch what I spend. I also hate the fact that I have to justify purchases to my Husband even though I earn most of the money we have. I have a never-ending wishlist of things I want. I want to go on holiday. I want to go back to UK. I want a new camera. I want, I want!
5. Lack of romance.
The Husband and I have totally different love languages. I am dreaming of romantic love poems – but I will never get that. While we were dating, I would get back massages and foot rubs. Now, nothing. My requests for back massages have been unsuccessful. While we were dating, he would always insist on “just us” time – but now we are married, we hardly ever get “just us” time. And then, I wish we could go for romantic getaways – but we have no money!!!!!!!!! ARGH!!!! I don’t know. Maybe I have high expectations. I mean, don’t get me wrong. There are great things about marriage. I just wish there was more romance!
Oh, there are only 5 reasons to my depression. Gosh, I feel so much better now that I’ve blogged about it. Haha. Thanks for reading.
Note : It is not PMS nor am I pregnant. It’s just me.