I remember when I announced that I was leaving Glasgow to go off travelling and Australia would be the final destination.
I remember wondering if I was making a crazy decision by leaving my family, my friends, my well-paid job, my newly bought beautiful apartment (I still miss it dearly) and my faithful yellow car…
I remember that my friends were shocked. Yes, me, Ling, going travelling…on my own…and not planning to come back.
I remember my Mum being very supportive of my decision. “Go, go!”
I remember the tears that were shed on the day I left – and even my Dad had wet eyes!!
I remember feeling lonely and homesick.
I remember the Skype conversation I had with my Mum when I was in Sydney – before I had made any friends and before I had met him, who is now my Husband. My Mum and I were both tearful as we confessed how much we missed each other. And then, she said, “Ling, just come home!” If you know me, you will know that I am an obedient daughter and whatever Mum says, I usually will follow her desires. But surprisingly, even though I was sad, lonely and homesick, I answered, “No, Mum. I’m supposed to stay here in Australia. I don’t know why, but I am.” Even with the dodgy webcam, I could feel the disappointment in her voice.
I remember when I Skyped my Mum again a few weeks later. “I met this guy. Nothing has happened, but I just feel that there’s something.” My Mum and my sister both laughed at me – they thought I was talking nonsense.
I remember when he became my boyfriend and a few days later, he booked tickets to Scotland so he could see my family. Talk about fast mover!
I remember when we got married in Australia…and then Scotland.
I remember how happy my Dad looked on our wedding day. I have never seen him happier!!
I remember how awesome God is for being with me every step of the way in this journey.
I remember this is the Bible verse which was precious to me in my times of struggle.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Frenemy is defined as a person who pretends to be your friend, but is in fact, your enemy
I am very comfortable in my own skin. It’s just this icky environment where people hold me back and stop me from growing.
I have no issues nor bear no grudges with anyone, but it doesn’t stop people having issues with me.
Sigh…Believe what you wanna believe…I am a natural born people pleaser.
I don’t like it when people don’t like me because frankly, I think I am a nice girl.
After being a doormat for so many years, I am learning to stand up for myself.
I hope I don’t meet any frenemies – male jerks / mean girls – on my travels, but no doubt, I will because I usually attract the attention of these people!!
If you read this and think it’s about you, then it probably is!
Mark 12:31 - The second (greatest commandment) is this, “Love your neighbour as yourself”
Dear Frenemy – Male Jerk / Mean Girl / Both,
Why can’t you be nice to me when I am nice to you?? We’re all adults here, but it’s like I’m back in the school playground again – being bullied and excluded.
Tonight, I pray that I will love you more each day…Amen.
It suddenly dawned on me that recently, I have been portraying myself as some kind of little innocent victim, who has been badly wronged.
Oh, woe is me…poor little old me…blah blah…I am such a goody two shoes…etc…
No no no.
Sorry to burst the bubble but I have done a lot of bad ass things in my life. Yes, you have guessed it. It’s time for more confessions…
In my early teens…
1. I am SO proud of having lots of savings in my bank but I used to steal – lunch at school, clothes, books from my piano teacher…
(but why pay for something I can get free)
2. I am SO proud of looking after my siblings since the age of 8, but did I tell you that I would smack them and pull their hair and yell at them…
(but I was just copying my mum)
3. I am SO proud of being a lady and not using swear words but I must have failed to mention that I used to swear left, right and centre
(but it made me look ‘cool’)
Sounds kind of tame, but I got worse…
In my late teens / early twenties…
1. I smoked cigarettes in my sister’s room the day before my finals at uni
(but I was stressed)
2. I read and looked at my Ex-Boyfriend #2′s porn magazine collection
(but it was funny to me even though it is really quite sick but I made him bin them in the end)
3. I did a Katy Perry
(but I didn’t like it and it was a dare!)
4. I was an accomplice to vandalising this guy’s car
(but he deserved it because he bad-mouthed me and spread false rumours)
5. I pierced my friend’s supply of condoms
(but they deserved it for doing the dirty in my presence- yes, they did!)
6. I cut my body with razors and seriously, I hacked at my flesh till I saw lots of fresh red blood
(but it made me feel better when I was down)
You would think that age makes me wiser, but think again…
In my mid-twenties till now…
1. I flaunted my then-boyfriend, Ex-Boyfriend #4 – See how much he loves me!
(but why should I be so secretive about my (un)successful relationship)
2. I used my feminine wiles around guys to get my own ways
(but I should use it while I still have it right?)
3. I curse in my head
(but I don’t curse out loud)
4. I outed this person’s homosexuality BUT I never find time to pray for him/her
(but declaring this on my blog will still help because others can pray for that person)
5. I dream about bad things happening to people who have hurt me
(but I’m only dreaming)
If you think that list was bad, well, I have more, but too shameful to name them all.
I do a lot of bad things, but just because it gives me pleasure or I can justify my actions or no-one can see it, does that make it okay??
Ecclesiastes 11:9 – Be happy, young man, while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see, but know that for all these things God will bring you to judgment.
2 Corinthians 5:10 – For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.
Yes, one day, we will all be held accountable for all our actions – good and bad.
1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
I think I am angry.
For me, being angry is like there’s a fire burning up inside of me which is raging at my precious internal organs until smoke starts coming out of my ears, which then frazzles my hair.
I don’t see the point in being in red rage mode, therefore I have trained hard to attain high tolerance levels. Amongst my friends, I am known as a walking doormat because I take a lot of sh*t from people.
But I have reached my threshold and I am angry.
My anger is centred on my illness.
1. Speculation on what type of operation I had
- Some people don’t understand these 6 words “I don’t wanna talk about it”
- It is a private health matter which I have shared with family and a careful selection of friends – because to be honest, it scares and sickens me and makes me want to cry especially as I am still waiting on results
- But some people will NOT stop pestering me about it. One so-called friend even went so far to ask their mother to ask my mother!!! And it’s not as if s/he really cared, it was just because s/he was being nosey!
- Appendicitis? NO! Boob job? NOO! Abortion? NOOOO!!!!
- I mean, what the f*ck can you do for me even if I told you? Can you heal/treat me? NO!
2. Doubting the fact that I am ill
- Some people have commented on the fact that I ‘look’ well so I should stop skiving off work!
- Erm hello, I had 2 courses of antibiotics, zillions of painkillers and countless trips to the doctor/nurse as my wound got so badly infected.
- Yes, I know FINE well I have been off work for 4 weeks plus. I went to work on Monday and Tuesday and my wound opened up and started to bleed and hurt; and now I am back in bed again!
- I ‘look’ well?? Are you there when I cannot sleep at night because of the pains?? Have you SEEN the problem area? NO! So shut up!!
- Yes, it is NOT healing according to medical textbooks…“it shouldn’t take THAT long to heal…” – well, screw that! I don’t know why I am taking that long to heal.
3. Being unable to perform my usual routine
- I think I am the world’s worst patient. I simply cannot lie in bed and just rest. I cannot sleep beyond 6 hours. I can only watch so much mindless tv before it bores the heck out of me.
- I just want to get back to my normal routine ASAP
- I CANNOT take a full body shower!! – I have so much dead skin waiting to be exfoliated!
- I can only wash my hair in the kitchen sink with help from people
- I CANNOT go to the gym – argh!!! I have to lie in bed and eat my way to obesity!
- I CANNOT drive my car nor socialise with friends
- I CANNOT work – which means NO PAY!!
- I CANNOT eat certain foods – like soy sauce or chilli or eggs or prawns – it’s a Chinese tradition thingy
4. Angry at myself
- I’m angry with me because I am angry (does that even make sense?)
- I’m angry because I have been wallowing in self-pity (crying myself to sleep and all that sh*t – it’s so pathetic!)
- I’m angry because I pushed myself too hard before I had healed up and now, I am back to this bedridden stage
- I’m angry because I didn’t buy health sickness insurance so I am getting unpaid sick leave AND if my test results are bad, then I am SCREWED
5. Stupid doctors
- I’m angry because the test results are not back yet – why is it taking so long?
- BUT I am also angry at some people who know what is going on i.e. medics (not my doctor or those who have operated on me)…BUT they just wave it off as, “och, it’s nothing!” - err, how do YOU know for SURE? Have you SEEN the problem? Can you analyse things without sending it to the lab?? Sometimes, I wish the results would come back BAD just so I can turn around and say, “Hah, you were WRONG!”
On a happier note, something sweet happened last week.
I was more active and was able to do more stuff without assistance. I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth with my 10-yr-old brother, Bro 7.
Bro 7 : Hey Ling, I think you look better
Me : Oh really
Bro 7 : Do you know how I know that?
Me : How?
Bro 7 (in a smartypants voice) : Well, that’s because we have been praying every day for you! Of COURSE you must be better!
James 5:16 (NCV) - When a believing person prays, great things happen.
Being ill has made me appreciate the times when I am not ill. It is so easy to take health for granted.
I stay on a separate floor from the rest of my family, but had to relocate to their floor during this time.
For the first 3 weeks, I had my Dad’s double bed with a TV- this was great! He was away to Hong Kong, you see.
Then I moved to my second sister, Sis 2′s room (she’s away studying) but she has a tiny single bed and no TV. It is boring here…haha…
I am creating a mess living here…but my Num has NOT nagged me at all…yay! Because I tried tidying up last week (yes, I was so bored, I WANTED to tidy up) and had some dizzy spells!!!
My mum ORDERED me to STOP tidying up – what a RARITY!!!!
In conclusion : Wow! Now that I’ve ranted and raved, I don’t feel so angry anymore. Blogging is therapeutic!! Lol.