Recently the weather has been really sunny and hot here. The sun is great to wake up to and it’s also great to finish work (yes, I am back at work) when it’s still bright outside.
However, I’ve realised that because of the heat, I have not been my usual self. I have been doing things that I do not usually do – eating salads, being easily angered, cussing, mood swings and other stuff…
One morning, I woke up and I was feeling all cheery until I realised I could not find one pair of work trousers…not ONE pair!!!! Where the heck did they disappear to???
Bro 6 – my 12-yr-old brother – is in charge of laundry…so I found him and questioned him where my work clothes were. He simply shrugged his shoulders and left for school….I was FUMING!!! I searched through all the laundry baskets, washing machine, tumble dryer, my mum’s wardrobe, the dressing room, my wardrobes AGAIN but NOTHING!!!!!
I was cussing and stomping about. I was so MAD!!! Bro 6 wasn’t even around but I was shouting and yelling at him as if he was there…“you STUPID BOY…you’re USELESS…gurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!” In the end, I wore some black jeans!
Anyway, I went to work and had the fan on me to cool me down because I was still raging inside. And then, finally work was over…
Usually, I don’t call home after work. I usually either go home or hang out with my friends without calling home. But on that day, even though I was going to meet my friends, I decided to call home.
Bro 5 – my 16-yr-old brother – answered the phone.
“Hi Bro 5, where’s Mum? What’s happening…?”
“OHMYGOODNESS! On the way home from violin lesson, Bro 6 fell off his bike, cycled home covered in blood and then he fainted TWICE!!!”
My heart skipped so many beats! I rushed home to check on Bro 6. I was ready to take him to hospital, but because he hadn’t fallen on his head, my mum said it was okay…he was just dehydrated…and bloody…
I felt so so so so so bad for being so mean to him that morning.- calling him names and all even though he wasn’t around to hear it, just because of some stupid silly work clothes.
I see blood practically every day at work (bleeding gums, extractions,etc) but seeing blood coming from your own family members – it’s just so horrible!!!!
Poor boy…imagine if something worse had happened to him?? *shudder at the thought*
I’m sorry Bro 6!
I think I am angry.
For me, being angry is like there’s a fire burning up inside of me which is raging at my precious internal organs until smoke starts coming out of my ears, which then frazzles my hair.
I don’t see the point in being in red rage mode, therefore I have trained hard to attain high tolerance levels. Amongst my friends, I am known as a walking doormat because I take a lot of sh*t from people.
But I have reached my threshold and I am angry.
My anger is centred on my illness.
1. Speculation on what type of operation I had
- Some people don’t understand these 6 words “I don’t wanna talk about it”
- It is a private health matter which I have shared with family and a careful selection of friends – because to be honest, it scares and sickens me and makes me want to cry especially as I am still waiting on results
- But some people will NOT stop pestering me about it. One so-called friend even went so far to ask their mother to ask my mother!!! And it’s not as if s/he really cared, it was just because s/he was being nosey!
- Appendicitis? NO! Boob job? NOO! Abortion? NOOOO!!!!
- I mean, what the f*ck can you do for me even if I told you? Can you heal/treat me? NO!
2. Doubting the fact that I am ill
- Some people have commented on the fact that I ‘look’ well so I should stop skiving off work!
- Erm hello, I had 2 courses of antibiotics, zillions of painkillers and countless trips to the doctor/nurse as my wound got so badly infected.
- Yes, I know FINE well I have been off work for 4 weeks plus. I went to work on Monday and Tuesday and my wound opened up and started to bleed and hurt; and now I am back in bed again!
- I ‘look’ well?? Are you there when I cannot sleep at night because of the pains?? Have you SEEN the problem area? NO! So shut up!!
- Yes, it is NOT healing according to medical textbooks…“it shouldn’t take THAT long to heal…” – well, screw that! I don’t know why I am taking that long to heal.
3. Being unable to perform my usual routine
- I think I am the world’s worst patient. I simply cannot lie in bed and just rest. I cannot sleep beyond 6 hours. I can only watch so much mindless tv before it bores the heck out of me.
- I just want to get back to my normal routine ASAP
- I CANNOT take a full body shower!! – I have so much dead skin waiting to be exfoliated!
- I can only wash my hair in the kitchen sink with help from people
- I CANNOT go to the gym – argh!!! I have to lie in bed and eat my way to obesity!
- I CANNOT drive my car nor socialise with friends
- I CANNOT work – which means NO PAY!!
- I CANNOT eat certain foods – like soy sauce or chilli or eggs or prawns – it’s a Chinese tradition thingy
4. Angry at myself
- I’m angry with me because I am angry (does that even make sense?)
- I’m angry because I have been wallowing in self-pity (crying myself to sleep and all that sh*t – it’s so pathetic!)
- I’m angry because I pushed myself too hard before I had healed up and now, I am back to this bedridden stage
- I’m angry because I didn’t buy health sickness insurance so I am getting unpaid sick leave AND if my test results are bad, then I am SCREWED
5. Stupid doctors
- I’m angry because the test results are not back yet – why is it taking so long?
- BUT I am also angry at some people who know what is going on i.e. medics (not my doctor or those who have operated on me)…BUT they just wave it off as, “och, it’s nothing!” - err, how do YOU know for SURE? Have you SEEN the problem? Can you analyse things without sending it to the lab?? Sometimes, I wish the results would come back BAD just so I can turn around and say, “Hah, you were WRONG!”
On a happier note, something sweet happened last week.
I was more active and was able to do more stuff without assistance. I was in the bathroom, brushing my teeth with my 10-yr-old brother, Bro 7.
Bro 7 : Hey Ling, I think you look better
Me : Oh really
Bro 7 : Do you know how I know that?
Me : How?
Bro 7 (in a smartypants voice) : Well, that’s because we have been praying every day for you! Of COURSE you must be better!
James 5:16 (NCV) - When a believing person prays, great things happen.
Being ill has made me appreciate the times when I am not ill. It is so easy to take health for granted.
I stay on a separate floor from the rest of my family, but had to relocate to their floor during this time.
For the first 3 weeks, I had my Dad’s double bed with a TV- this was great! He was away to Hong Kong, you see.
Then I moved to my second sister, Sis 2′s room (she’s away studying) but she has a tiny single bed and no TV. It is boring here…haha…
I am creating a mess living here…but my Num has NOT nagged me at all…yay! Because I tried tidying up last week (yes, I was so bored, I WANTED to tidy up) and had some dizzy spells!!!
My mum ORDERED me to STOP tidying up – what a RARITY!!!!
In conclusion : Wow! Now that I’ve ranted and raved, I don’t feel so angry anymore. Blogging is therapeutic!! Lol.
As a favour (not punishment), I did some babysitting for Bro 7′s friend’s baby brother today.
To protect the children’s identity, I have made up some names from them :-
Bro 7′s friend = Mowgli – 8 years old
Mowgli’s brother = Balloon – 3 years old
At 3.15pm, Balloon is dropped off by his mum and he is armed with a box of chocolates – “they’re toffee and I don’t like them..”
He has lovely long thick eyelashes and tiny tiny feet.
We bond really well. He is such a chatterbox. “I’m only 3. I am Mowgli’s baby brother. I am 3 years old. I go to nursery. I have a bike. I’m 3.”
I turned on the computer. We played Sonic together. I say “we” because I said, click on ‘Level One’ and he said, “Where?” …duh, the 3 -year-old baby can’t read…so “we” played together.
I notice that another of his favourite phrases is, “What the…?” He says that a lot when he plays computer!!
Then it is time for me to pick up my brothers and his brother from school.
“I know where my shoes are.” – yep, those tiny shoes are lying next to my giant-sized shoes
We get into my car. “What colour is my car?” He looks at me blankly…. nah, he doesn’t know colours either.
I fasten his seatbelt because he doesn’t know how to do it.
The 5 minute drive to school goes smoothly with lots of chatter. His favourite toy is “Geomag”…what is that???
Anyway, the boys pile in the car and we zoom home.
Computers and tv go on.
I go get food – takeaway – I am not cooking!!
Food is here – boys!!! Balloon is lifted up to sit on the high stool.
They gobble down the chips and chicken I bring home and down the fizzy juice (so healthy!!)…
I sit down and turn my back for a split second. I’m thinking, “Wow, I’m doing a good job!”
Balloon had jumped off the chair and bumped his head.
Tears fill his eyes. He rubs his eyes with his greasy fingers. He sobs uncontrollably…
And then the doorbell goes….
OH NO!! The mum is back to collect them….
Yep, GREAT timing…she comes back when he’s crying!
He runs to his mum…and I’m like GULP!! I want to run to MY mummy!!!
I wonder if my babysitting services will be used again??
I’m not entirely sure but I think my parents return tonight….THANK GOD!!!
I am so so so so ready to hand back the 3 brothers to my Mum and Dad…except that isn’t entirely true either…because I will still have to babysit them when my parents work during the weekend.
And then my Dad is going to Hong Kong too to join the sisters…argh argh…and then it’ll just be me and the boys when my Mum has to work…argh argh…moan moan…
The state of the house is in a terrible mess. Housework has totally piled up, but then I can only do so much.
Yes, Mr Geek was helpful for one entire day – and he even claimed that he was “enjoying this domesticated life” and that he wouldn’t mind having children in the future. I became the total opposite of my usual “I want 6 babies!”
And now, WE BOTH don’t want kids!!!!!!!
It’s way too much responsibility for my immature and selfish personality. If you have children, you can’t just go to bed early after a hard day at work…you can’t just go out with your friends when you want to…you can’t sit and watch TV all day….oh no!!! They take up all your time….24/7….It is NOT easy at all….
I think I have aged 10 years this week… check out my wrinkles!!