WARNING :  Blog contains words of a sexual nature.  If you are under the legal age to have sex, please seek parental guidance before reading on.

A virgin is defined as a person who has never had sexual intercourse

For years, friends have classified me as a sort of dating guru or relationship guru or love guru because I would dish out advice on dating, relationships and being in love.  I have always been intrigued by other people’s relationships with the opposite sex.  I have always got plenty of time to listen to people’s problems with their partners or how my guy friend should impress that girl or how to deal with break-ups, etc.

Now that I’m married and moved to the other side of the world, I have become a tad boring.  The friends we have here are mostly married (with children) or more mature crowd.  No-one does the “Who do you think is the best-looking guy or girl that we know?” or “Ooh, I think you fancy him/her” or “Ling, help me out with relationship advice”.  My match-making skills have also been made redundant too.  Sigh…

…until recently.  One night, when I least expected it, someone asked me for some advice.  Oh yeah!  I felt so important and needed, but surprisingly, I was lost for words.  I uhm-ed and aah-ed.  We were touching on unfamiliar territories here.

“Are you still a virgin if you engage in oral sex?”

I was taken aback by this, because there was no lead up to this question.  It wasn’t as if we were talking about anything remotely related before that.  In fact, we were talking about mobile phone providers and I said I was with Virgin mobile.  So that V-word must have triggered something in my friend’s head and they blurted out their curiosity.

There were a few factors which made me hesitant to answer this question :-

1.  I am not a sexpert.
2.  I am – what my girlfriends call – a prude.  Whereas my girlfriends would open up and share their sexual experiences, I would never have anything to say.  I would just sit there and go red…(and pretend to not be interested in what they say…but secretly, it was rather interesting haha).  Yes, I am not exactly comfortable talking about sex.
3.  Because of my Christian beliefs, I knew that whatever I said would have to be extremely careful as I did not want to corrupt my Christian friend in any way.

I am honoured that this person asked me for advice, and I can see why they did.  I am married so it is safe to ask me these questions.  My advice is “Don’t have sex till you are married!” The husband and I did not have sexual intercourse till we got married.  But I know many Christian friends who have – some of their relationships have fallen apart and some are still strong.  But hey, I am not here to judge so don’t look at me!

(Side note :  I am not trying to be holier-than-thou because hello, it wasn’t exactly that hard for the husband and I to refrain from sex.  We met at the end of October and had a long distance relationship till I moved to Melbourne in April, where we lived in separate houses and then we got engaged.  2 months later, we got married, but then I left Australia till we met again in August in Scotland for our church wedding.  If you’re part of a Christian couple and you have been dating for a number of years and this sex-thing is a bit of a temptation, then you know what to do – get married first!)

Sex is such a taboo subject, but I am seriously considering in upgrading from dating to relationship to love to sex guru!!!!  HAHAHA!!!  Can you imagine me being a sex guru?  Pfft!  I just need to stop giggling like a prepubescent schoolboy whenever I say the sex word.

FYI, you are still a virgin if you’ve only had oral sex.

And then they asked about a-n-a-l…that, my friends, is another story…

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What do you think?  Would you be comfortable if I started writing more about sex –  not graphic porn stuff…but any sex-related questions you may have…like how to say no to your boyfriend who keeps pressurising you…or how to deal with a horny husband…or how to deal with asexuality…or if you’ve been abused…??  Let me know either by leaving a comment (anonymously) or sending my an e-mail – contact form at the top of there.  No names will be revealed.

I know a lot of readers enjoyed my dating stories, but hello, once you are married, romance is dead.  Haha.  JOKE!  (or am I joking about joking? haha)  But yeah, any dating questions, fire them at me.

My success rate as a love guru is pretty good.  Three guys who I have dished out advice to in the past are now in relationships.  How are they getting on?  I don’t know because now they have a significant other, they have forgotten about me.  Tsk, tsk.  Do you feel the same?  Has one of your friends ditched you now that they are attached?  Remember my advice on how to deal with being a third wheel.

Okay, enough self-promotion here.  Thanks for reading.

A love bite or hickey is defined as a temporary bruise or mark caused by kissing, sucking or biting the skin forcefully enough to burst blood vessels beneath the skin

Yesterday, the Husband (aka Mr Dorky) was mad at me for a couple of hours.  Why?  Because I thought it would be funny to go Edward Cullen on him which resulted in a small, but beautiful love bite on his neck.  It looked like a purple butterfly.  He was not amused by my stamp of passion.

Love bites may raise a few sets of eyebrows, but I thought it was valid and acceptable seeing as we are a married couple.  The Husband just does not appreciate my sense of humour.

We were at a party and he sat there, arms crossed and deadly glare with his jacket collar up around his neck till his best female friend came to his rescue with…concealer.

I felt like telling him to stop sulking and take it like a man!  For example, he could have pulled off “Oh yeah!  This love bite shows I’m gettin’ some lovin’.”  But hey, I married a grumpy old man and I have to accept him as he is.  No more acting like a vampire from me then.

Anyway, I thought I’d leave you with some tips on how to hide a love bite if your partner is an old fuddy like my Husband :-

1.  Concealer – Let’s be honest here because concealer cannot work wonders.  It may change the colour of the love bite but it will not disappear.  I should know.  I have permanent dark circles under my eyes, even with concealer.  (No, I am NOT a vampire…just an insomniac.)

2.  Apply ice – This will help reduce any swelling.  (But please be careful…if your partner is unadventurous, he may think that this is another one of your sick sex games.)

3.  Wear a scarf – Obviously if it’s summer, please do not wear a scarf.

4.  Do not leave the house until the love bite disappears naturally – This is totally extreme!!

And please, ladies…Please, please, please do NOT let your man wear a turtleneck or polo neck sweater to hide a love bite.  Okay, sorry, if you think your man looks sexy wearing one of those high neck sweaters, then do what you want.  But personally, I think it’s one of the fugliest tops a guy could ever wear.

Anyway, if you have any advice or stories on love bites, please feel free to comment.  I promise I won’t bite!

WARNING : This blog contains words of a sexual nature.  Parental guidance may be required.  This blog is also full of TMI = too much information!  (This is my SECOND blog today so read the one below if you want to skip this one.)

Asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction or interest or desire for sex

Have I mentioned that I am getting legally married on 19th June 2010 in Melbourne?  But I am also getting the church blessing on 9th August 2010 in Scotland.  And there is also a wedding dinner in Malaysia at the end of the year…

Anyway, oddly enough, some of my friends have been quite interested to find out when we are going to consummate the marriage, i.e. ‘seal the deal’.

Although we will be legally married and eligible to do the deed in June, we have decided to wait till August.  Mr Dorky is extremely excited about wedding night but I’m thinking GROSS!!!  Seriously!!  I have somehow contracted asexuality!!!  It’s not that I don’t find Mr Dorky attractive…but I think it’s because I find myself so un-sexy!  Seriously!  I am just like an ageing plump prune!  What is happening to me?  I am turning into a fat and frumpy housewife already.  I am trying to channel my inner Angelina Jolie but nothing…

I am even seriously considering buying Mr Dorky a MacBook Pro for wedding night so he would get distracted and forget about me.  When did a laptop become sexier than me?????

If anyone has any words of advice to make me sexy, please share!!!  I am desperate here.  And please, no kinky stuff.

Yes, I know!  TMI!!!!  But I have no close friends in Melbourne to listen to me moan about stuff life this.  Oh great…I sound like a loser!  And yeah, don’t worry, Mr Dorky does not read this blog.  Please don’t tell me my Mum does!

A procrastinator is defined as someone who postpones work (especially out of laziness or habitual carelessness)

After I had revealed that I had accidentally found the business card of a diamond jeweller’s, I don’t think the proposal came as a surprise to any of you.  All our family and friends were happy and excited when they found out the good news.    But what amused me was the different ways in how males and females reacted to the news.  (The different perspectives between males and females have always intrigued me – remember this?)

If you are male, this is what you probably said to me (in order) :-

1.  ”Congratulations!”
2.  ”Have you set a date?”

And then that’s it.  The male population are generally not as excited like the female population.

If you are female, this is probably what happened (in order) :-

1.  Squeal!!!
2.  ”Congratulations!” (with a hug)
3.  ”Let me see the ring!  Aaaawww!”
4.  ”When are you getting married?”
5.  ”How did he propose?”

Yes, females are generally more excited about weddings.

What does it mean?

1.  Do males secretly want to know the lovey dovey details of the proposal and wedding plans?  But are they too scared to ask in case it instigates questions about their sexuality?
2.  Are there females out there who don’t enjoy wedding talk?  But if a female doesn’t express any interest in a friend’s forthcoming nuptials, does it mean that they are secretly jealous?

Yes, I, Ling Tung, aged 20-something, would like to confess.  Instead of wedding planning, I procrastinate and occupy my mind with these thoughts.  I am a procrastinator.  Did I mention that we are getting legally wed in 2 months?  (NO, I AM NOT WITH CHILD!)