Posts Tagged ‘funny’

#30daysofsharing | Day 3 : The Story about my Husband’s “Penis”

By Ling

This is the long-awaited story about my Husband’s “Penis”…

Are you ready to see a picture of my Husband’s “Penis”?
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BAM!!!!!

My Husband’s “Penis”

Yep, say Hello to Penis the Pillow.

I don’t know how, I don’t know when, I don’t know why (actually, I do know WHY…just read on…) but for some bizarre reason, we started nicknaming random objects around the house.  His pillow slash bolster was named Penis – because it is long (oo-er!) and it is floppy (oo-er!) and well, sometimes it gets horny (his words, not mine!) and sticks out of the pillowcase (AKA the Condom – again, his words, not mine!)

My Husband loves to sleep with Penis the Pillow!

Penis the Pillow and I are not BFFs (that’s Best Friends Forever).  We hate each other with a passion.  I hate it because it looks and smells disgusting covered in the Husband’s drools from when he cuddles it to sleep and especially when it sticks out of the case with the yukky itchy cheap pillow material oozing out.

Anyway, stay with me here.  There is a funny part to this bizarre story because last year, our guy friend’s parents came to stay with us for a few days.  Yes, let’s clarify this…  Our guy friend from Church – his PARENTS.  And they would be like the equivalent of some Auntie and Uncle in Church.  Except we didn’t know them beforehand.  So it’s not like me or my Husband grew up knowing them.  So almost strangers, I guess.

We were not used to having guests staying over at our tiny house so on that night, when they went to bed, we went to bed too.  This is what happened…

Him :  *whispers*  Oh look, Penis (the Pillow) is sticking out.  I think it’s horny again!
Me :  *forgets to whisper*  STOP IT!  NOOOO!!!
Him :  *waves Penis the Pillow in the air and shoves it near my face to annoy me*
Me :  THAT’S DISGUSTING!  I DON’T WANT IT!  STOP PUTTING YOUR PENIS IN MY FACE!

…and then we remembered we had guests…and we remembered the walls were thin as they were literally next door…and we burst into laughter…and we were totally red-faced in the morning.

Gosh, what must they think of us?!!

By the way, I managed to get rid of the Original Penis (it’s in the spare room for any overnight guests to use at their free will) and the Husband now owns a Green Penis.

Original Penis & Green Penis

As you can see Green Penis is longer, sturdier and cleaner looking – which makes the Original Penis look inadequate!

Hope this made you laugh as much as it made us laugh!  This is a true story…just ask the Auntie and Uncle who stayed over :P

Gosh, what must you think of me for writing the word Penis at least 15 times in this blog post?!!!

Bucket List Checklist :  Write a blog post containing the word Penis for a minimum of 15 times.  DONE!  *pats myself on the back*

Anyway, see you tomorrow for more #30daysofsharing.  How can I top this story??!!  I don’t think I can :P

11 Things I Learnt About Having Diarrhoea

By Ling

[insert your own mental picture of diarrhoea]

If you stalk me on Twitter, you will know that I am currently sick.  Today is the 3rd day I have had diarrhoea accompanied with tummy ache.  It is NOT nice.  My toilet (yes, the same toilet in that vlog) has never had so much action!

Here are 11 things I learnt about having diarrhoea :-

1.  It confirmed my suspicions that my iPhone is indeed my BFF.

Whilst sitting on the porcelain throne, my iPhone provided great entertainment to distract myself from the pain and smell (oh the smell!).  I Facebook stalked, tweeted, read some blogs, played some games, Whatsapp’ed, read e-mails, watched Youtube videos…  Steve Jobs, I know you’re dead ‘n’ all, but I salute you!

2.  Everyone will ask you, “What did you eat?

Like that really helps?!!  ”Oh wait, let me just get into my Time Machine so I can rewind time and not eat the Poisonous Food!

3.  The nicest softest toilet paper turns into sandpaper after 4 rounds of diarrhoea.

Bear in mind, I had about 30 rounds of it on Day 1!!!  And well, I have lost count now.  Wait!  Is there an app for this?  Maybe I should develop this and call it “The Diarrhoea Log” App.  Pun very much intended!

5.  It hurts.

What hurts?  Anatomically speaking, my anal sphincter.

6.  ”A$$ hole” is funnier than “anal sphincter”.

For some bizarre reason, anal people got rather uncomfortable when I used the words “anal sphincter”.  But when I said my “a$$ hole hurts”, there were fits of giggles.

7.  The “I need to fart” urge can have an identity crisis.

You think you’re going to fart, but instead…  I’ll leave the rest into your imagination.  Sorry if you’re about to eat dinner.  Actually, no, I am not sorry!  I haven’t had dinner for the last few days and I am ravenously hungry!

8.  I’m impressed with my bodily functions.

So I think I’m peeing and then suddenly, it turns into diarrhoea.  Oh wait!  It’s both at the same time.  Wow, great multi-tasking, right there!

9.  Instead of losing weight, I have gained weight!

At first, I was secretly glad to have diarrhoea, “Yay, the lazy girl’s guide to losing weight!  I’ll be a skinny mini in no time!”  It’s Day 3 and I have barely ate anything but I am bloating all over.

10.  People are not that impressed with over-sharing of the diarrhoea kind.

What?  You want to know if I’m pregnant?  Which means you want to know about my sex life…which involves a lot of body contact and fluid exchange… and secretions of the sexual kind… But if I mention other types of body excretions, it’s like, “Eww!  STFU TMI Ling!  Too.  Much.  Info.

11.  Chopsticks are better than knife, fork and spoon anyday!

I learnt that chopsticks is the best thing to use to fish out toilet roll which has dropped into the toilet!  Oh yeahhhh!!!

If you managed to read all the way, congratulations.  For all those who didn’t make it, I hope they get the diarrhoea bug!  Muhahahahaha!

Vlog : The One Where I Attempt To Be A Weather Girl

By Ling

It’s been a while since my last Vlog…in fact…this could be the first one I have done all year.  I mean, I’ve done some make-up and hair and flossing tutorials for my beauty blog, but I haven’t done a Vlog here.  Ah well…no need to wait any further because I filmed one today…and it’s so random and stuff…but then again, that is so me!!!  So if you don’t live in Melbourne, then let me tell you that the weather here is crazy.  One minute it is beautiful and sunny and the next, it’s like raining cats and dogs.  I heard on the news there was going to be a storm brewing so I did some filming…

Don’t forget to subscribe to my Youtube channel and watch my other videos.  See if you can find the one where I burp!  LOL!

How I Cheated On My Husband

By Ling

Aha!  I caught your attention there, didn’t I?  Well, it’s not technically true about me cheating on my husband…but there is semi-truth to this story which I am about to share with you all.  There were two incidents which happened yesterday and today.  Allow me to share :-

1.  She touched my breasts!!!

A while ago, I won a competition with the prize being a pampering session at a Thai spa place.  So yesterday, I toddled along to my pampering session which started off really well with a nice foot soak followed by a mini massage which relaxed me.  I was then led to my own room where I was told by the Massage Lady to strip off, put on a pair of paper knickers and lie face down on the massage bed.  If you know me, then you will know that I am too polite and shy to say no, so I went along with this.

So for the next 10 minutes, I was lying face down getting a body scrub.  I did feel rather violated when she lifted up the back of the paper knickers into my butt crack to scrub my butt.  I just buried my face into the pillow and pretended I was somewhere else.  However, I was not prepared for this next part.

“Turn over please.”  

In my head, this was not a request but a demand.  I swallowed hard and turned over….oh wait, she covered me with a cloth for my top half and proceeded to scrub my legs.  I relaxed a little…

…until she finished with my legs and then lifted off the cloth.  Oh yes, she did.

I closed my eyes in horror as her hands made her way to my chest, rubbing in the body scrub and massaging body parts which only my Husband should be touching and nobody else!!!!!

Of course, being the Oscar-winning actress that I am, my expressions did not give anything away.  My fists were unclenched and I acted as if this was the most normal thing in the world.  Of course, females massage my boobs all the time.  Pfft!  Inside, I was dying and if you examined me closely, you would have noticed that my jaw muscles were tense as my teeth were clenched shut.

It felt like she was massaging my chest forever.  I wondered what my nipples were doing…I wondered what we would have for dinner…I wondered how I could explain this to the Husband…I wondered what his reaction would be…I knew he would laugh…and he did when I told him later what had happened.

Of course, I didn’t cheat on my Husband as I felt no sexual feelings WHATSOEVER but you know…I felt like I had cheated on him.  Just because.  Too intimate for my liking.  Ugh.

2.  I had coffee with my ex-boyfriend!!!

Say what???  No, I’m just exaggerating here.  Hear me out.  So I went for this job interview today.  Instead of the usual dentist job interview where I go to the dental surgery and get quizzed by the principal dentist, I was approached by a recruitment agent and told to meet at a cafe where we could have an informal chat to see if I would be suitable for his client (i.e. the principal dentist).  Before anyone gets too excited, this is just a short-term job (aka locum) for 5 weeks.

Our appointment was at 4pm, but he was late.  30 minutes late in fact.  I was punctual as usual.  I entered the cafe where there were no other customers.  I sat down and ordered an iced coffee.  Meanwhile, I didn’t want to look like a loser so I brought out my phone and started to read some emails and whatnot.  10 minutes later, I got bored and started to let my imagination wander.

I thought to myself…I wonder what the staff at the cafe think of me.  I wonder if they are thinking of me.  Maybe they think I’m on a blind date.  Maybe they think I’ve been stood up by a blind date.  Oh my gosh!  Who goes on blind dates these days?  Oh wait, I know she does.  Talking of dating, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything dating on my blog.  I wonder if I can think of a good post to write on blind dates on my blog.  I wonder if anyone reads my blog these days.  Maybe it’s time to update it tonight.  Yeah, good plan.  Oh wait, aren’t I supposed to be doing some housework while Hubby studies for his exams…?  Why is this guy taking so long?  Oh…is it this Chinese guy who’s just walked in?  Give him eye contact.  Okay, look away…it’s not him.  Oh my gosh!  Do you think that Chinese guy thought I gave him “the eye”??!!!  Flash your wedding ring.  Yes, flash it in his eyes.  30 minutes…what is going on?  Oh wait…it must be him!

In walks the Recruitment Guy.  I contemplated standing up but then I didn’t.  He looked at me and I looked at him.

“Hi, I’m Ling” and shake his hand.  Firm handshake.  I am a professional, dontcha know?!

He sits down and orders an OJ.  The waitress says, “What?”  He says, “Orange juice” and she says, “We don’t have orange juice.”  A cafe that doesn’t serve orange juice??  Bizarre!

Anyway, he starts talking and I am trying to look and act professional here.  I maintain eye contact and nod along to what he is saying, but at the back of my mind, I just know that there’s something about him.  Something.

I am usually very good at multi-tasking but it gets a bit difficult when we’re talking business here.  It’s not until he takes a sip of his green tea when it hits me!!!

And it hits me HARD!

O.  M.  G!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s HIM!!!!

Recruitment Guy has the same teeth and jaw structure as a guy I once dated.

Stop staring!!!!!!

Don’t smile!  Oh my gosh.  The smile is the same.  The front teeth are the same.

Don’t look…don’t look…DON’T LOOK!!!

But it’s too late.  And suddenly, instead of a job interview, I feel like I’ve rewinded time and I am on a date with an ex-boyfriend.

Of course, I know it’s not him.  But you know, sometimes some things trigger buried memories which should stay buried.  Ugh!

The annoying thing is that I will have to see Recruitment Guy again for the interview at the dental surgery.  I must not look at his teeth ever again.  *shudders*

Of course, I tell the Husband this as soon as he gets home.  And of course, he laughs and moves onto the next subject.

And there you go, ladies and gentlemen.  I’ve had an interesting two days where I somehow cheated on my Husband, involuntarily!!!

So let me know if you’ve got any “cheating” stories to share.  After all sharing is caring.