Something has been bugging me recently. In fact, a lot of things have been bugging me. But today, I want to share about this. As you all may know by now, I am one of these annoyingly open and honest people. Seriously, if we are on the same wavelength, I will tell you everything you want to know about me – in detail. I believe that I am extremely good to my friends because I basically adore friends. I love having friends and being a good friend to everyone. I am one of those sensitive creatures who get upset if people don’t like me. I will tolerate all sorts just to keep the peace in friendships. I just love friends. (Okay, we get the picture – please move on!!!) Anyway, recently I have come to the realisation that some friends can tell a lie without blinking!! And that bugs me. Why do friends have to lie? And what is it that these friends lie about? It’s dating-related!! And we all know how I, self-confessed love guru, love dating-related topics. Yes, I have friends who have been telling untruths about their new relationships.
Was asking Friend #1 about dating and they said, “Oh, I’m not interested in the opposite sex at the moment. I don’t want to date at the moment.” A couple of weeks later, I discover that Friend #1 is now in a relationship. Maybe, just maybe, Friend #1 changed their mind AFTER I had spoken to them…but I doubt it! Basically, Friend #1 lied.
Was asking Friend #2 about dating. (Yes, I ask a lot of my single friends about dating because seriously, do I really want to ask the boring question, “How is work?“) I asked if Friend #2 liked anyone of the opposite sex. Friend #2 said, “No!” I said, “How about this person (name of my single friend of the opposite sex)? He/she is hot!!” They said, “Nah.” TWO DAYS later, Facebook announces that Friend #2 is in a relationship with the same person I had named. Like hello? Obviously, I am happy for my friend and I congratulated them, but I still cannot believe Friend #2 lied. Friend #2 hasn’t apologised for lying but it’s okay, I forgave them.
This one is a bit twisted so I shall not go into detail. But I discovered that Friend #3 was dating someone from the same sex and basically, living a whole secret life. Okay, cannot disclose any more information. But let’s just say that this friend is extremely good at lying…but then again, did they forget that I am even better at being a detective?!
Maybe I am just uber-sensitive about friendships. But I am sure the Guide To Being A Good Friend states that friends should not lie to each other. (I just made that up so don’t go googling this guide! It doesn’t exist!)
Listen friends, if you are going to lie about dating or being in a relationship, please don’t. Friends should not lie to each other. If you are confronted with a question you do not want to answer, please do this – read here.
In fact, I will even give you some extra help if you do not want to disclose about your dating habits or new relationships.
Do you fancy him/her?
Instead of saying “No” when you clearly do, but you don’t want to admit it, choose from the following :-
- “Everyone is fanciable in their own ways.” - This is a fact. Act coy.
- “Why? Do you?” – Turn it back on the interrogator.
- “It doesn’t matter whether I fancy them…more importantly, does he/she fancy me?” – This will get the interrogator thinking and will divert the attention to someone else.
- “I don’t want to talk about it.” – Simple. This will stop any more questions from the interrogator.
I recently discovered that one of my friends, Friend #4, started dating someone, but they did not lie but instead, used the methods of hiding the truth. I asked Friend #4, “Are you dating anyone?” Now the thing is, I KNEW that Friend #4 is dating someone but they did not lie about it and instead said, “Do you think I have time for dating? I have been working so hard…blah blah…“
Smart. Did not answer the question with a yes or no. Instead answered the question with another question and then proceeded to divert the attention away from the question.
What could I do? Friend #4 did not want to admit their new relationship. But I was happy that Friend #4 did not lie to me. One day when Friend #4 wants to share, I must remember to thank them for not lying to me.
In conclusion : Thou shalt not lie to a good friend. WRONG!
Okay, okay. Maybe I should face reality. Sometimes I may consider someone to be a good friend, but it does not mean that the feeling is mutual…(which is the other thing which is seriously bugging me to the point where it kept me awake last night but I shall share another day…)
In conclusion : Thou shalt not lie, especially to friends. WRONG!
Okay, okay. Just because I consider someone to be my friend, the feeling may not be mutual. They may be two-faced and hate your guts…(which is another thing which has been bugging me. Again, another story…)
In conclusion : Thou shalt not lie.
Just like the ninth commandment in the Bible. Oh yeah!
Being a third wheel is not exactly fun. I know because I have been a third wheel on numerous occasions. It is worse especially when the couple do not take your feelings into consideration and make you feel extremely uncomfortable with their lovey-doveyness which only highlights the fact that you are single. Personally, I think there is more to life than being attached and that everyone should enjoy their singlehood while they still have it. I remember there was one time when I was being a third wheel and my coupled-up friends just totally ignored the fact I was there and had their private in-jokes and kissing and stuff. It was so inappropriate. But anyway, I decided then and there that when I was coupled up that I would always consider the feelings of others, i.e. refrain from public displays of affection, etc.
Obviously, not all couple are considerate of their third wheel. So here are some tips on how to deal with being a third wheel :-
1. Don’t be a third wheel! Don’t go to the movies / dinner / outing if you know in advance that you are going to be a third wheel. Just find something else to do.
2. If you cannot get out of that movie / dinner / outing invite, then add another wheel! Bring another friend with you.
3. You are a third wheel and the couple you are with keep stroking each other’s hair and winking at each other. Two can play at that game! Just do the same thing to the person you are the same sex with. If you are a girl, do what the guy does to the girl. If you are a guy, do what the girl does to the guy. Because if you do this to the person in the opposite sex, it aint gonna go down well with their other half!!
4. You are a third wheel and everything is going okay until the couple start kissing. Gross, right? Well, don’t say “Gross, get a room guys!” because for some bizarre reason, this turns them on and they start getting into it! Instead, try this line, “Oh yeah, that’s sexy! Mm…! It’s getting me all turned on!” That should stop them (unless they are kinky!) because they will think it is funny or they will think YOU are gross!
5. You are a third wheel and suddenly, the couple start fighting. Do not get sucked into the fight. Do not take sides. Do not cough nervously and try and find excuses to walk away. Enjoy the moment! Yeah, you may be single and yeah, you may be a third wheel, but hey there is nothing wrong with that. Be glad that you don’t have such childish fights. Yeah, just savour the moment and thank God that you are still single. The couple will soon stop bickering when they notice that you are watching them with this weird but satisfying smirk on your face.
Being a third wheel does not have to be awkward nor uncomfortable if the couple are considerate. However, if the couple are inconsiderate, just stay cool. Don’t highlight the fact that you are a third wheel. Enjoy sitting in between them at the movies. Enjoy interrupting their make-out session. Make them feel awkward.
Does anyone else have any other tips on how to deal with being a third wheel?
If you thought relationships were all honey and bees, then you’re wrong. One day, the honey dries up because the bee has died and this will trigger a fight. The first fight with your other half may be unpleasant and highly stressful, but it is essential to the development of a relationship. It is vital to be prepared for this transition from the first phase of a relationship aka the Honeymoon Stage to the next phase aka the Post-Honeymoon Stage, i.e. after the first fight.
I, Ling Tung, your self-proclaimed Love Guru, will now share…
Last night Mr Dorky and I had our first fight. Here is what happened :-
We were in my room and he was sitting on my bed fixing my phone and I was tidying up. And then I saw IT!
Me : Argh!!! Argh!!! There’s a spider next to my bed!!! Mr Dorky, KILL IT…PLEEEEEEEASE!!! (I hand him tissue.)
I have raging arachnaphobia!
Mr Dorky looked at it and did a half-hearted backhand manoeuvre with the tissue…
Me : Can you PLEASE make sure you kill it, thanks!
I am usually a vacuum-sucking-spider-killer or a shoe-stamp-spider-killer, but I refuse to be a 2-ply-tissue-spider-killer with my fingers. I was secretly thinking “”How can he kill it from that angle?”…
And I KNEW IT! The look on his face gave it away…the spider had got away!!!
I went into hyperventilating Darth Vader mode. I didn’t know who I wanted to kill more – the eight-legged freak or Mr Dorky for being so careless.
He frantically searched high and low for this spider. It was a big spider with long spindly legs.
I’m sure my eyes were popping out of my head. I had a face like thunder (and I would be frowning but I had recently been Botox-ed.)
“HOW COULD YOU…??”I stopped myself from yelling at him, but inside my head, I was full of words…
“OMG! How could YOU do this to me? Why did YOU not position yourself better? How could YOU let it go? Why did YOU not try harder? OMG!! The spider is loose and it’s going to come back and haunt me tonight!!! It’s going to commit suicide down my throat!!! ARGH!!!! OMG!! We’re having a fight!! OMG!! This is our FIRST fight!!! Okay, okay…calm down. Stop breathing like that dude from Star Wars! Okay, so let me think. There’s a eight-legged freak which could be poisonous lurking around my bed…but then, we’re having a fight. What does that mean? Say something. No don’t! Give him the silent treatment. That’s gotta hurt! Oh yes, silent treatment… Tell him to leave and then sulk and then don’t answer his phone calls. Yes, I COULD do that…EXCEPT we did say that we would never go to sleep angry with each other. Okaaaay…forgive him, but don’t forget! No, that’s no good…we’re getting married in 7 weeks. Think. Think.”
So I stood pinned to the wall, in fear of spider attack, but also debating what I should do about our first fight.
Meanwhile, Mr Dorky had moved out my table, went under the bed, lifted up the covers; desperately seeking spider and thinking, “She’s going to go MENTAL!” (yes, he did think that…he told me afterwards)
After 10 minutes with no success, he turned to me and said, “I can’t find it…”
I didn’t answer him, but I said “Duh! Obviously, I can see that!” in my head.
2 minutes later, he said, “So-wee!”
Another 5 minutes of searching later, he said, “You can sleep at my place tonight…??”
“Well, if you really think about it. A spider can come in at any time into your room.”
I gave him the “STOP-TALKING-NOW!” look and he stopped talking.
“I’m sorry. I love you!” and gave me a big hug.
“I’m just really upset because I am really scared. It’s because I know that there is a spider loose in my room scares me. And it was nesting near my bed…which means it may return and attack me tonight.”
Anyway, the fight was resolved by the end of the night.
What did we learn from this first fight in our relationship :-
1. Anything big or small may trigger a fight but what is important is how both parties deal with the conflict to resolve the situation.
2. Mr Dorky acknowledged his mistake and tried to resolve it by looking for the spider. He could have lied and pretended that the tissue contained the spider corpse or he could have not bothered looking for it at all.
3. Yelling at your other half does not achieve anything. I was correct to hold my tongue and not say any harsh words which may have everlasting detrimental effects on the relationship. For example, if I had said to Mr Dorky, ”you STUPID IDIOT“, it makes him feel useless and eventually, one day, he may think, “Oh well, she thinks I AM a stupid idiot anyway, so why should I even bother trying!”
4. I was wrong to think of hurtful things to punish him, e.g. silent treatment. But I was sensible to think about it before acting upon it. During heated moments, always take time to rationalise things in your head before acting foolishly. Remember, love is not hurtful.
5. Mr Dorky could not find the spider so he suggested sleeping at his place. It was good of him to offer an alternative solution.
6. Mr Dorky did apologise in the end, but please remember, guys and girls, “So-wee” in a cutesy baby voice is not an apology! Reverting into child-like behaviour during a fight is not appropriate if you are a fully grown adult!
7. Compare what I had said to Mr Dorky in my head to what I said to him in real life after I had thought about it. Originally, I was accusing him “YOU” this and “YOU” that. But this would make the other person feel defensive and it may trigger their anger too. Instead, I calmly explained why this upset me with “I” this and “I” that. This will make the other person empathise and see things from your point of view without feeling defensive.
8. Our fight was forgiven and forgotten by the end of the night. Going to sleep with anger in your heart is not healthy for any relationship.
At the end of the day, if your relationship is full of fights and conflict at all times, then maybe you are in the wrong relationship. Both parties need to deal with a fight appropriately and not point fingers and say or do anything hurtful.
We survived the first fight in a relationship and I lived to tell the tale (i.e. I did not choke on a suicidal spider last night!) Yahoo!!!
Today I was hanging out with two of my guy friends, Mr Pistol and Mr Egg – remember them from my Chivalry post?
Anyway, Mr Egg is in his mid-twenties but has never had a girlfriend so his experience in the relationships department is limited and so, Mr Pistol and I were trying to impart words of wisdom to Mr Egg, i.e. Love Guru advice.
One of the points I mentioned was this :-
When you’re in a relationship, the person you’re dating miraculously transforms to be the hottest person in the universe. Angelina Jolie / Brad Pitt – who??? Love is blind.
But if that relationship ends and you have moved on, the person you were dating becomes the fugliest person on the planet and the words, “What was I thinking?” come to mind when you look at photos of them. Blinded by love.
Does anyone else agree with this? Or am I alone on this one?
Dear Any Ex-Boyfriends Reading This,
You’re F-U-G-L-Y, you aint got no alibi, you’re FUGLY!