I was talking to one of my close girlfriends recently and somehow, we stumbled upon the subject of ex-boyfriends. Ex-who? Yeah, right, if only they could be so easily erased right?! She said something about one of them which came as a shock.
“Ling, I cannot believe you dated him. He was such an a$$hole!”
Huh? Where did that come from? I tried to think back and admittedly, I came up with some nasty memories of that “a$$hole”. I thought of the time he slapped me in the face because I didn’t do his sister’s dishes – which I had not even used! I thought of the time when he ordered me out of my bed on the day after my surgery – which had me off work for 3 months because of post-surgery complications – he didn’t care when I told him I was in excruciating pain. And then I stopped digging out these buried bad memories and I turned and said to my girlfriend,
“Yes, you’re right! He was an a$$hole! What was I thinking?”
And today, it came to me! Yes, revelation! I knew what I was thinking!
I saw all the danger signs but I still continued this failing relationship. I dated an a$$hole because :-
1. Love is blind. Simple, ’nuff said!
2. Surely, love can conquer all?! Yeah, right! I blame all those stupid lovey dovey movies which impress upon a stupid idea of love when in reality, it’s not like that!
3. Compared to my previous relationship with an even-more-abusive ex-boyfriend (yes, I dated a lot of a$$hole$ in my time), this relationship was better – but better is not enough!!!!!
4. I had invested a lot of time, sweat and tears into this relationship so it better damn well work! – WRONG thinking!!!
5. I wanted to prove people wrong – yes, the people who had advised AGAINST dating him in the first place!
6. (This is a terrible thing to admit but) I was thinking of the money – he came from a rich family background plus he was in a professional career which would mean that I would have become an upper class housewife…
Well, what can I say? I was a love fool!!
Are you going through similar experiences (like I mentioned above) in your relationship?
If you find yourself in a relationship where something’s just not quite right, please get out now! Don’t make the same mistake I did!
Do not feel obliged to stay in a rocky relationship because one day, it’ll bite you in the bum!
If you’ve just been dumped but you feel wronged and you cannot understand why because you did everything right, please stop dwelling on him/her. You’re wasting your time.
Hear this from me : “You deserve better!”
Just some friendly dating advice from your favourite relationship guru…
Important points to note :
Just because a guy was an a$$hole to his previous girlfriend, it does not mean that he will be an a$$hole to his next girlfriend. Everyone deserves a second chance.
This blog post is not hating on men but also applies in vice versa mode. That is, if you’re a guy and you dated a b!tch.
There are unproven theories which state that women tend to marry men who remind them of their father. Previously I have dated the Bad Boy, the Mummy’s Boy, the Commitment-Phobic Boy…but I never realised I had married the You’re-Just-Like-My-Father Boy until recently.
Here are the signs why I think I married my father :-
Dad, Bro 7, Hubby - ARGH! They look alike!
1. Photographic evidence shows that they look alike. They are of similar stature and height with the Chinese hair, eyes and flattened noses. (Yeah, I know – all Chinese people look the same – har-de-har!)
2. My Dad loves playing with children. The hubby loves playing with children. (No, they are not paedophiles, thank you very much!)
3. When they are both concentrating on something, they go silent and don’t talk nor respond to any questions. – (or is it because men cannot multi-task?)
4. My Dad likes to spend time reading a newspaper while he is doing his morning dump. Yesterday morning, I found one of my magazines in the toilet after the hubby had been in there doing his business! Gross, I know!!
5. I like to create a mess wherever I go. I like being messy. It’s like creative art. Well, my Dad and the hubby both do not agree. They both tell me off for making a mess. And it’s weird how they use similar mannerisms in telling me off. *shudder*
6. ”Turn off the light if you’re not in the room. Stop wasting money on electricity.” - these same words uttered by both my father and my husband to me!
7. Whenever I say, “I don’t feel well“, they both say, “Put some more clothes on!” DUDES, I am not walking around naked! I have got clothes on!!!!
8. They are both tight with money when I say that I want to go shopping for new clothes! (Ooh, wait! Next time they tell me to put more clothes on because I am not feeling well, I shall demand money to go shopping! Yay!)
9. When my Mum starts nagging, my Dad rolls his eyes and ignores her. When I start nagging, my husband rolls his eyes and ignores me.
10. Whenever I do anything to upset or anger my Dad or my husband, they both get grumpy, but I know deep down that they both still love me. Awww… (Side note : Today I heard the husband sing, “Cause you’re amazing just the way you are” by Bruno Mars. Thanks! I know I am!)
In conclusion : Yes, I did marry my father but that’s great because my Dad is the bestest!
I have spent the last 2 hours writing my wedding vows. I know that when I say them next week (yes, NEXT WEEK) to Mr Dorky, I will be crying because the words I say are from deep within my heart. However, I have a feeling that Mr Dorky will not be shedding any tears. He will most likely giggle his way through his wedding vows!! I have yet to see him cry…
Anyway, we have no idea what each other’s wedding vows are. It’s got me wondering what he is going to say. Obviously, the wedding vows will include promises to love, to cherish and to honour each other…but I would ALSO like Mr Dorky to include the following promises in his wedding vows :-
1. I, Mr Dorky, promise to read every blog post you have written and comment on them.
Mr Dorky, sadly, dislikes reading. He did not fall in love with me because of my wonderful gift of writing. GAH!
2. I, Mr Dorky, promise to read your facebook and twitter status updates.
I rant and rave on my facebook and twitter daily, but again, he does not stalk me on any of these sites. When he goes on the internet, he’s either checking the Apple website or football results.
3. I, Mr Dorky, promise to make you breakfast every day.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I never go to work without eating breakfast. My friend shared that her dad still makes her mum breakfast every day even after 30 years of marriage. Isn’t that the sweetest thing? We all know that Mr Dorky can make a good breakfast, but since we got engaged, he has cooked only once. He is getting lazy!!!
4. I, Mr Dorky, promise to not fart in bed.
Remember the embarrassment of the first fart in a relationship? Mr Dorky is no longer embarrassed and feels that it is my honour to be in his presence when he farts!!! No, it isn’t! My married friends Mr Lami and Mrs Diva reveal that they have farting competitions in bed – GROSS!!!
Writing my wedding vows reminds me why I love Mr Dorky so much. He is an amazing man and I feel so honoured to be his wife. Can’t wait…can’t wait…
I will blog and tell you our exact wedding vows after we say them again at our church ceremony in August in Scotland so please stay tuned for that.
What promises would you like (or have liked) in your wedding vows?
If you thought relationships were all honey and bees, then you’re wrong. One day, the honey dries up because the bee has died and this will trigger a fight. The first fight with your other half may be unpleasant and highly stressful, but it is essential to the development of a relationship. It is vital to be prepared for this transition from the first phase of a relationship aka the Honeymoon Stage to the next phase aka the Post-Honeymoon Stage, i.e. after the first fight.
I, Ling Tung, your self-proclaimed Love Guru, will now share…
Last night Mr Dorky and I had our first fight. Here is what happened :-
We were in my room and he was sitting on my bed fixing my phone and I was tidying up. And then I saw IT!
Me : Argh!!! Argh!!! There’s a spider next to my bed!!! Mr Dorky, KILL IT…PLEEEEEEEASE!!! (I hand him tissue.)
I have raging arachnaphobia!
Mr Dorky looked at it and did a half-hearted backhand manoeuvre with the tissue…
Me : Can you PLEASE make sure you kill it, thanks!
I am usually a vacuum-sucking-spider-killer or a shoe-stamp-spider-killer, but I refuse to be a 2-ply-tissue-spider-killer with my fingers. I was secretly thinking “”How can he kill it from that angle?”…
And I KNEW IT! The look on his face gave it away…the spider had got away!!!
I went into hyperventilating Darth Vader mode. I didn’t know who I wanted to kill more – the eight-legged freak or Mr Dorky for being so careless.
He frantically searched high and low for this spider. It was a big spider with long spindly legs.
I’m sure my eyes were popping out of my head. I had a face like thunder (and I would be frowning but I had recently been Botox-ed.)
“HOW COULD YOU…??”I stopped myself from yelling at him, but inside my head, I was full of words…
“OMG! How could YOU do this to me? Why did YOU not position yourself better? How could YOU let it go? Why did YOU not try harder? OMG!! The spider is loose and it’s going to come back and haunt me tonight!!! It’s going to commit suicide down my throat!!! ARGH!!!! OMG!! We’re having a fight!! OMG!! This is our FIRST fight!!! Okay, okay…calm down. Stop breathing like that dude from Star Wars! Okay, so let me think. There’s a eight-legged freak which could be poisonous lurking around my bed…but then, we’re having a fight. What does that mean? Say something. No don’t! Give him the silent treatment. That’s gotta hurt! Oh yes, silent treatment… Tell him to leave and then sulk and then don’t answer his phone calls. Yes, I COULD do that…EXCEPT we did say that we would never go to sleep angry with each other. Okaaaay…forgive him, but don’t forget! No, that’s no good…we’re getting married in 7 weeks. Think. Think.”
So I stood pinned to the wall, in fear of spider attack, but also debating what I should do about our first fight.
Meanwhile, Mr Dorky had moved out my table, went under the bed, lifted up the covers; desperately seeking spider and thinking, “She’s going to go MENTAL!” (yes, he did think that…he told me afterwards)
After 10 minutes with no success, he turned to me and said, “I can’t find it…”
I didn’t answer him, but I said “Duh! Obviously, I can see that!” in my head.
2 minutes later, he said, “So-wee!”
Another 5 minutes of searching later, he said, “You can sleep at my place tonight…??”
“Well, if you really think about it. A spider can come in at any time into your room.”
I gave him the “STOP-TALKING-NOW!” look and he stopped talking.
“I’m sorry. I love you!” and gave me a big hug.
“I’m just really upset because I am really scared. It’s because I know that there is a spider loose in my room scares me. And it was nesting near my bed…which means it may return and attack me tonight.”
Anyway, the fight was resolved by the end of the night.
What did we learn from this first fight in our relationship :-
1. Anything big or small may trigger a fight but what is important is how both parties deal with the conflict to resolve the situation.
2. Mr Dorky acknowledged his mistake and tried to resolve it by looking for the spider. He could have lied and pretended that the tissue contained the spider corpse or he could have not bothered looking for it at all.
3. Yelling at your other half does not achieve anything. I was correct to hold my tongue and not say any harsh words which may have everlasting detrimental effects on the relationship. For example, if I had said to Mr Dorky, ”you STUPID IDIOT“, it makes him feel useless and eventually, one day, he may think, “Oh well, she thinks I AM a stupid idiot anyway, so why should I even bother trying!”
4. I was wrong to think of hurtful things to punish him, e.g. silent treatment. But I was sensible to think about it before acting upon it. During heated moments, always take time to rationalise things in your head before acting foolishly. Remember, love is not hurtful.
5. Mr Dorky could not find the spider so he suggested sleeping at his place. It was good of him to offer an alternative solution.
6. Mr Dorky did apologise in the end, but please remember, guys and girls, “So-wee” in a cutesy baby voice is not an apology! Reverting into child-like behaviour during a fight is not appropriate if you are a fully grown adult!
7. Compare what I had said to Mr Dorky in my head to what I said to him in real life after I had thought about it. Originally, I was accusing him “YOU” this and “YOU” that. But this would make the other person feel defensive and it may trigger their anger too. Instead, I calmly explained why this upset me with “I” this and “I” that. This will make the other person empathise and see things from your point of view without feeling defensive.
8. Our fight was forgiven and forgotten by the end of the night. Going to sleep with anger in your heart is not healthy for any relationship.
At the end of the day, if your relationship is full of fights and conflict at all times, then maybe you are in the wrong relationship. Both parties need to deal with a fight appropriately and not point fingers and say or do anything hurtful.
We survived the first fight in a relationship and I lived to tell the tale (i.e. I did not choke on a suicidal spider last night!) Yahoo!!!